Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
