The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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