I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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