Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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