the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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