I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
