i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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