I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
