i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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