I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
