I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
