pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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