Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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