I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
