I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
