i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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