Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
