no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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