I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
