Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
