I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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