I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We're too hungover to prance.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
