I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
