Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
