you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
