sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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