The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
