im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
