I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
mondays should just be called national damage control day
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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