i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
