I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
