Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
