this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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