dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
