i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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