I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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