i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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