I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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