I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
