So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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