my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I didn't notice because vodka
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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