I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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