I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
