how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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