dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
