we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
