You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
