Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
