No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
