Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm having to shit out rocks
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
