How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
