I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
