I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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